Speechless But Never Incoherent

26 Lesser-Known Reasons To Call Your Girlfriend

You want to thank her for being amazing… both because she is amazing and because you are with a friend who has a stomachache and you are trying to help them barf.
You’ve just been arrested and you want to prove that you love her more than freedom. Also, you forgot your lawyer’s phone number.
She gave you her number and then asked you to, maybe?
You’re in public and there’s a couple having a fight awkwardly close to you.
You’re in a cab and the cabbie asks you “Do you go to school in this neighborhood?” It’s becoming clear this cabbie thinks you are not a grown woman, but a 14-year-old boy.
Your girlfriend is Tyrone.
Your phone rang, but you couldn’t get to it in time. When you pressed *69 your girlfriend’s number came up. Also, it’s the 1980s.
You are London and your girlfriend is the faraway town.
You’ve used your other two lifelines and Meredith Vieria is staring at you.
Your house is teeming with ghosts, ghouls, and spirits, and your girlfriend is a Ghostbuster.
It’s also time that you two “had the talk.” But in this case, “the talk” is about how you need more dish soap, and you’re really sorry that you forgot to put it on the list, but you didn’t think she was going to go to the store straight from work. If she had just called you, first, you could have told her, and now she wouldn’t have to go back to the store, and use the piece of sh-t self-service check out register that ALWAYS tells her that ‘the weight is not correct’ just to f-ck with her mind. Moreover, you wouldn’t need to be having this entire dish soap discussion, which is a disproportionally long time to talk about something that doesn’t even have its own scent, because you insist on buying the creepy unscented kind.
You’re changing every “i” in your name with “y.”
You’re killing time until your next Google+ meet up.
It’s not a call; it’s a call of duty, which means you just stare at the phone for hours punching buttons.
Your girlfriend works for 311 and there are loose syringes on your sidewalk again.
Your girlfriend is addicted to texting and you don’t want to enable her.
You are addicted to your own classic merengue ringtone, so you periodically call her and then hang up.
You are in the same room, but you are spies.
You are in the same room, but you are bored.
You are in the same room, but you are spies who got bored.
You want to let her know that you do not plan on having any kind of talk with her any time soon. Robyn can’t push you around. Eff you, Robyn! Just kidding, Robyn, you can hang with me.
This is a horror movie, you are deranged, and you’re inside the house!
You wanted to let her know that earlier, when she wasn’t there, you just called to say you love her. But you’re not going to say it on this call; this is just the call to inform her of your intentions when you made the first call. This is purely a notification — James Taylor-style.
She just paged you. Also, you’re a doctor or a drug dealer in the 1990s.
You are a professional football coach on the sidelines and she is the defensive coordinator in the pressbox. Here’s hoping your linebackers manage to drop into pass coverage.
Your girlfriend is Debbie Harry.

23rd May 2012 | 14 notes

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

Ed Sheeran

—Wake Me Up

Wake Me Up - Ed Sheeran

I should ink my skin with your name
And take my passport out again and just replace it
See I could do without a tan on my left hand where my fourth finger meets my knuckle
And I should run you a hot bath and fill it up with bubbles
‘Cos maybe you’re loveable and maybe you’re my snowflake
And your eyes turn from green to grey in the winter I’ll hold you in a cold place
And you should never cut your hair ‘cos I love the way you flick it off your shoulder
And you will never know just how beautiful you are to me
But maybe I’m just in love when you wake me up

And would you ever feel guilty if you did the same to me?
Could you make me a cup a tea, to open my eyes in the right way?
And I know you love Shrek ‘cos we’ve watched it twelve times
But maybe you’re hoping for a fairy tale too
And if your DVD breaks today, you shoulda got a VCR
Because I’ve never owned a Blu-ay, true say
And now I’ve always been shit at computer games because your brother always beats me,

And if I lost, I’d go across and chuck all the controllers at the TV
And then you’d laugh at me and be asking me if I’m gonna be home next week
And then you lie with me ‘til I fall asleep and flutter eyelash on my cheek between the sheets

And you will never know just how beautiful you are to me
But maybe I’m just in love when you wake me up

And I think you hate the smell of smoke, you always try and get me to stop
You drink as much as me, and I get drunk a lot
So I take you to the beach and walk along the sand
And I’ll make you a heart pendant with a pebble held in my hand
And I’ll carve it like a necklace so the heart falls where your chest is
And now a piece of me is a piece of the beach and it falls just where it needs to be
And rests peacefully so you just need to breathe to feel my heart against yours now

Against yours now
‘Cos maybe I’m just in love when you wake me up
Or maybe I’m just in love when you wake me up
Maybe I fell in love when you woke me up